You’re Mistaking My Competence for Consent

The Ask Arrives, Drenched in Red Flags and Glitter

It usually starts with:

“Quick thing…”
“Can I just run something past you?”
“You’re so good at holding complex things…”
“You’ve got the kind of energy we really need on this.”

A few words later, you realise: you’re not being valued.
You’re being nominated as tribute.
For a task:

• With no clear scope
• That someone else dropped
• That no one wants to own
• That has already failed quietly, and now needs you to “lead it”

You squint at the email. Is this a compliment? A warning? A cry for help? A trap?

It’s a trap.

Let’s decode, shall we?

• “We thought you’d be perfect” = “We hope you won’t complain out loud.”
• “We trust you to lead this” = “No one else wants the fallout.”
• “You’ve got the right energy” = “You’ve historically over functioned without asking for support, and we’re hoping you haven’t noticed.”
• “We just need someone to steer the ship” = “We’re handing you a boat with no rudder, one oar, and a leak the size of Q1.”

Fun!

Would be funnier if it wasn’t happening in real life.
Every. Single. Month.

Checklist:

• ☐ Task was passed like a hot potato from three other people
• ☐ Project title sounds important, but no one can define it
• ☐ Vague encouragement in place of concrete support
• ☐ Deadlines handed over with no briefing (“Should be straightforward”)
• ☐ Expectations sky-high, budget non-existent
• ☐ No clear boss, but somehow, you’re accountable for everything

It’s less “empowerment” and more “emergency with a bow on top.”

Feel free to choose based on energy and caffeine levels:

• “Thanks for thinking of me. I’d like to understand what support’s available before I confirm anything.”
• “If I’m leading this, we’ll need to clarify scope and ownership, or it’s a no.”
• “This sounds important. It also sounds like a system issue, not an individual rescue mission.”
• “I’m not in a position to take this on, and it wouldn’t be ethical to pretend otherwise.”
• “I don’t rescue projects. I don’t absorb blame. I have snacks and boundaries, and that’s enough.”

Or if you’re running low on charm:
→ “I’d rather xxxx my inbox than volunteer for this again.”

☐ Needing clarity before commitment
☐ Asking for support before saying yes
☐ Saying no with a calm tone instead of a 2,000-word justification
☐ Walking away from things never meant for one person
☐ Refusing to perform competence in impossible conditions
☐ Pointing out the mismatch instead of absorbing the failure

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Especially not for free. Especially not to protect someone else’s ego from the consequence of their inaction.”

Because they love that word, don’t they?

“What a great opportunity!”

Here are some better labels:

• Logistical landmine
• Career-decoy sandwich
• Organisational gaslight theatre
• Trauma reenactment with bullet points
• The emotional labour Olympics (feat. unclear objectives)

You don’t have to smile while being handed the match and the kerosene.
Just because someone called it a “stretch assignment” doesn’t mean it’s not secretly burning.

You don’t owe loyalty to poor planning.
You don’t owe calmness to coercion wrapped in compliments.
You don’t owe a rescue response just because you could theoretically pull it off (with a time machine, six people, and a miracle).

You are not difficult.
You are discerning.

You are not negative.
You are notifying the system of its delusion.

You are allowed to say:

“This wasn’t built with success in mind. That’s not on me. And I’m not fixing it at the cost of my well-being.”

Let them deal with their own homework.

You’ve got better things to build.

For deeper dives, shared tools, and future rituals, visit us.